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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.